


A Soul of a Girl

by Fogo_Ilse_of_FIRE2121



Category: creative writing - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 03:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20056978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fogo_Ilse_of_FIRE2121/pseuds/Fogo_Ilse_of_FIRE2121
Summary: This could be really triggering for anyone who deals with mental health, honestly, it's triggering for me. But I like this, so, proceed with caution.





	A Soul of a Girl

**Author's Note:**

> this has vague mentions of wanting to die and cutting, really question if you want to read this.

“How many bad days do I have before I end it all?” she thought laying on the top bunk in the Air BnB. “Need my list of reasons to live- I can’t believe I thought to leave that at Toronto, am I that god-awfully stupid, my fat idiot self can’t fathom that I’d have a bad day in Newfoundland?”

It was dark, she was supposed to be sleeping. She could hear her brother and mother’s snores from the bottom bunk. “Remember, this is just a bad day, you’ll have a better day tomorrow.” She took a deep breath trying to repeat this like a mantra. But the sneaky voice came back; “You think that this is the last bad day you’ll have? Are you really that stupid? How many more bad days till life is no longer worth living? You are a privileged little white girl, and you still are like this? You worthless piece of shit.”

She could hear the breathing of her family, they were her reason. If she killed herself then her brother would be forever screwed up. And her mother would never forgive herself, and her grandma would never forgive her either. “And you don’t deserve to die either,” a voice whispered to her. “Do you really think that?” Another said, quite a bit louder. “I’m not sure.” the girl thought.

Then the girl felt a firm tug in her stomach. Like a hook was lodged in her pulling her out of her own body. And after a few moments of pressure and a flash of pain, her soul, aura- whatever you want to call it- was pulled from her body. 

Her body, stocky, tall, long brown hair, brown eyes and spotty pale skin marked with brown spots, was tucked under the sheets and quilt. But as she sat up she realized she was apparition like in appearance, still pale, but translucent like a ghost. She could feel cold wind whipping through her now ethereal hair, even though she was very much inside.

She seemed to float down to the floor, she could see her mother and brother sleeping soundly. She put her forehead to her mothers and whispered, “I love you, I love you so much that I refuse to burden you.”

She somehow knew that her mother would be none the wiser. That her body would continue, a shell of herself, that would live life in complete normality, never being a burden to anyone, something the girl thought in high regard. She would not be leaving anyone in grief. “This is for the best.”

And like a spectre, she walked through the wall into the outside and she gasped. Thousands, millions of stars, purple galaxies far away painted the sky. She felt at peace. Calm. Serene. For the first time, she could remember she felt peace. She walked to the calm harbour water and wondered what would happen if she put her foot down. 

A toe at a time she gingerly put her foot on the water and she was amazed at the sensation. It felt like velvety glass. And when her heel hit the water she saw massive ripples stretching from one end of the harbour to the other. Walking on the water she spun around and laughed at the beautiful ripples she had created. Maybe she would walk out to sea she thought.

She could feel when she left the harbour the soft clear water changed into the salty spray of the sea. It was beautiful. She saw a rock peeking out from the ocean under the starry sky. She walked over and sat criss-cross in a meditation pose. Taking a deep breath she let the salty air into her lungs, looking down at her shadow of a body and chuckling; “I suppose I don’t have lungs anymore.” But then a high cliff caught the girl’s eye, giving her an idea.

She stood and looked at the cliff. It was the same place she and her family hiked to earlier in the day, she was happy, sorta, kinda, maybe, it was always so hard for her to know when she was happy, except for the moments when lightning strikes and happiness shines through her, “this is one of those moments” she thought, because she felt as though there was a shining sun within her.

She remembered floating down from her bunk. “Maybe,” she thought to herself. Closing her eyes she imagined the rocky hill that she hiked with her Mother, Brother, Aunt and Cousins. She imagined the moss a lichen instead of grass that made the ground seem padded. The roaring winds and wildflowers. And then she felt the familiar hook lifting her up, high above the ocean currents, high into the air, before settling he upon the ground about 20 meters from the peak.

Dawn was coming soon. She realized, with the first slivers of first light becoming visible on the horizon. “I want to watch the sunrise. Yes.” She thought. Gliding towards the edge of the cliff. She sat with her legs dangling over the abyss below. Sunrise came slowly, inching up the sky like a caterpillar on a tree. And she realized that in this moment that she didn’t deserve to die, and that she never did. That she wasn’t broken, and she never was. She had never hurt anyone, not really, not on purpose. She didn’t deserve to hurt. She thought of all the scars on her leg, the scars on her arms, she didn’t deserve those. And as the sun lit up the sky her spectre vanished to God knows where.


End file.
